Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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