I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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