There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
