What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
