He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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