there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
