Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
