He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
