Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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