Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
