If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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