I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
