A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
