Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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