so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
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Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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