I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
