ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
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I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
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Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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