I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
