i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
