Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize