ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
