I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize