i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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