I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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