I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
