new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
