The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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