Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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