Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
