i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
