Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
