Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
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He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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