What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.