I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
