when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
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Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
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Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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