listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
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