Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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