I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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