considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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