Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
