I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
