the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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