if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We're too hungover to prance.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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