everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
