Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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