I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
