We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
