I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
