Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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