I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
