If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize