i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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