My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
