Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
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My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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