The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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