To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
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