im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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