The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
