last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
